Change. Control. Loss. New perspective. Unexpected. Trust. Love. Life. Challenge. Joy. Hope.
Wow. I can honestly say if you would have asked me May 18th 2008 what the next two years of my life would bring I would never expect
This.
This is me
This is where I am
Ha who am I kidding even if you asked me 6 months ago I could have never expected to be found here.
Control.
It’s a funny thing what happens when you lose it all.
And I could never express what a hard lesson that has been for me to learn
I’m not good at it
I plan. I set boundaries and guidelines for just how I think everything should go. I always know how to deal with a situation when the unexpected comes up. Plan B. Order. I some how always find calm amidst chaos.
But what has happened in my life these past couple months was something I could have never planned for.
And for the first time in my life I couldn’t control it. I had no answers.
For a person like me who obsessively plans out every detail and prepares for anything challenge. A perfectionist of sorts.
Not knowing doesn’t work for me.
But yet that’s where I was…still am.
When I came home from hardin-simmons this semester I was never expecting for things to be as hard as they are.
When plans changed, when the things I set so much time planning on and hoping for fell apart and I was torn back to a place I never thought I’d come. I didn’t like it.
My first attempt was to gain back control-if I could figure our where to go to school in the fall, then I would be able to get back control. I would know how to schedule the rest of my classes, where to live, meet new friends and all that. Life would be good again. Well that turned out to be harder that it seemed and when it came down to it even once I decided to head to Laramie in the fall I still had a need for control.
I wanted to know exactly what was going on.
And yet I was still struggling so much with the doubts of why what I had before didn’t work.
So I kept trying diet, exercise, school, jobs…I had to have something to fulfill my time so I had a schedule and order again.
No matter what it failed.
Several times this semester I have literally been brought to a place of emptiness. Having nothing of any value left to give.
Self defeated and no idea where I was going, why it had all changed so much and where go from here.
Most of all I felt dissatisfied with myself. I wasn’t who I wanted to be and I knew it.
But where do I go
To say the least I felt lost.
Out of control.
And I didn’t get it.
But I knew I didn’t want to be here either.
It all came crashing down on me for the first time a couple weeks ago. At women of faith one of the speakers talked about trust.
And for the first time in several months I realized I had none.
I was so busy trying to control and figure out my own life and make sense of what my plans are that I lost all trust.
Not only did I not trust anyone much less the one who created me and knows the depths of my inmost being.
But I forgot whose I was.
I lost all sight of the fact that God had a plan.
In the midst of chaos, fighting. Tears and trying to find my own way. God’s plan never changed.
Not only does God have a plan for me
He loves me.
Perfectly.
Just the mess I am, not matter how many mistakes I make, or how messed up life felt that is one undeniable thing he loves.
He was, he is, he is to come.
Nothing, nothing in world can surpass or come close to comparing to the peace I had when I realized that.
In the weeks past since then I’ve learned two very important things.
Trust.
Simply because God is who He says He is, He has a plan and is in control. I can trust Him. He is faithful. He will not leave nor forsake me. And he thinks I’m beautiful.
It’s okay to not have control.
Life’s messy, it doesn’t always make sense or turn out how I want it to but that doesn’t take away the value in each day.
I look at people it circumstances so much worse than mine and realize I’m blessed.
I still don’t have it all figured out, there is still uncertainty but God is faithful and worthy to be trusted.
