hurricane.

yesterday i went running. running has always been a hobby of mine and something i have come to really enjoy even crave at times lately.
well yesterday afterenoon i had one of these times and so i decided despite how cold it was i would go out running and just see how far i could go then come home. turns out there's a perfect trail which is 2 miles in and 2 miles out. It went great the first 2 miles and it felt so good to just be running again, outside breathing the fresh air in my lungs unlike the stuffy environment on the treadmill inside. My head was running with thoughts of what i would do afterwards and how great it felt to be outside, how much of a blessing it was.
I did great until about i had about 1.6 miles left and then i got one of the worst stomach cramps ever. I could hardly keep moving, not sure what was happening i tried to just walk and ease the pain away. Yet it keep getting stronger, so i pulled off the trail and bent down, praying for God to show me something here because i really didn't know what was going on. After my whole 2 minute pause i tried to get up and walk, it wasn't much further back to the car and then i could just get home where mom could take care of me.
Yet it was actually quite funny to see God's humor in all this as right after i stood back up to keep walking there was a bench not 10 feet away.
i stopped short.
if only i had walked 3 maybe 4 steps more i would have made it, to a place that was designated rest for me.
and as soon as i realized how foolish i was i retreated to that bench and found my self awe struck sitting there. how stupid it was.
how easy.
how much pride i had in myslef to not see how easy how perfect how simply the plan of God was laid out right before my eyes.
yet i couldn't reach it.
this spoke to my heart in a million ways.
because not only was it something i did on my run.
it is something i do everyday.
stop short of what God is calling me to.
three steps further i was almost there.
but i'm too weak, i don't want to go that far.
ridiculous.
Francis Chan has a chapter in his book Crazy Love where he talks about lukewarm christians and i can't help but be reminded of the image i see reflected of myself when i look in the mirror now.
"Luke warm people will serve God and others but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give"
sound like the person i was just describing, who stopped three steps short of the peace and rest God offered her?
It utterly makes me sick that i have become this person.
so obsessed with self, my time, my schedule, my life.
Allison, get over yourself.
Give up.
Stop selling yourself three steps short of who you ought to be and take a risk knowing in thes extra steps God will meet you there.
It is in those moments of discomfort, insecurity, worry, and not knowing that i would encounter God if only i would risk it.
comfort.
The song Hurricane by Jimmy Needham came on as i sat on that bench. and i couldn't help but think to myself, Jesus ruin me.
break my life, i am fragile only in the hand of He who made me.
Who knows me.
Renew my thoughts, my actions, my speech, my mind. train my hands, focus my eyes, tune my ears to you.

Hurricane Lyrics
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee


And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord