This Christmas

To say my head is full of thoughts right now would be to say the least.
The past week in itself has been pretty trying and i'm just jumbled thinking about it.
This Christmas has definitely been unusual. Almost every year for the past 10 years or so we have stuck to our plan of going to see mom's family over the holidays.
Well due to circumstances and issues we really couldn't do anything about we ended up not doing the big family thing which is frustrating mainly because i wish the reasons we didn't go were different.
So we came to spend time with my sister and her boyfriend.
All was fine and good until as we were leaving to go to Christmas eve service at church and the dog got out. Well this dog is not a little toy size dog-nope she's a full grown runnner. So this whole chase meant after running extremely late and emotions flaring...we missed church.
At this point i was exhausted and all i could say was "God, sorry for ruining your son's birthday..."
All and all we ended up having nice family dinner and got lots of sleep, then woke up early Christmas morning for presents and breakfast.
After the hustle and bustle some headed off the work while mom and i were left with the afternoon to ourselves. We ended up going to see Little Fockers, and spent the rest of the evening with dinner and more tv.
All this time i've been uncomfortable. I guess that's a good enough way to put it. Not so say in the least Christmas this year has been miserable, considering the big picture i've been blessed out of my head.
But all the changes from our typical holiday this year have really got me thinking.
Usually at our "traditional" Christmas we spend time at church, enjoying family, all joined together trully embracing the meaning of the season.
And i guess that's why this year is so different for me, why i'm so annoyed. I almost feel as if we took the Christ out of Christmas. And that bugs the hell out of me.
Not to say Christmas is the only time of year to celebrate Christ birth, or any of that.
But really maybe this feeling is more that just a holiday.
Maybe this is about more than why Christmas this year is so different.
Honestly i feel as if it comes down to the way i(we as Americans) live our lifes on a daily basis.
Focused on me.
My wants, my needs, my schedule, my time.
And there's only enough time for anyone else when I'm all taken care of.
sick. gross.disgusting.
That's how i feel right now.
Honestly disturbed at how we in America, a country so "based" on faith live our lives so far from the one who died to safe us.
i hate it.
How can i treat the one i claim as Lord and Savior over my life with such apathy.
As if yeah i'll call on you when i need you god.
THAT'S NOT THE GOD I KNOW.
I serve a God who knows me so intimately, that He had sewn me together in my mothers womb even before i was born.
Who knows my every thought, motive, and desire.
I have a high King who watches over me so closely He knows my every move. He hears my every prayer.
Who is not unable to sympathize with my weakness, but instead came to know the worst pain and shame any man has ever known.
I serve a God who sent His son to come die on a cross (yeah that jewelery we all wear as "bling") now, My God sent His son to that as a place of turture.
Not only that i may live, but that i could be called a child of the Most High.
Who in himself had every right to be called God, yet did not cling to His rights, but came instead to serve and give His life as a ransom for me.
That's why this Christmas has left me feeling sick.
Becuase i treat the blood of Christ with such contempt. I live my life as the commander of my destiny, not realizing or acknowledging the one who offers me real. true. ever-lasting life.
Several times in the past week dealing with this discomfort I've really felt God asking me in my pride "Allison, why should i give you more when you are not even satisfied with what you have"
In my life i so often find myself driven by a need for more. More food, money, clothes, friends, movies, tv....whatever it is i constantly battle this selfish desire for more.
To focus on myself.
Maybe that's why things this year have been so convicting.
In a world and life so based on me.
There is a King who entered this world as helpless babe, who's life enda with the blood that brings me life.
So in a world that screams MORE
How do i find contentment in My King and ALL He's already given me.
I don't know maybe that's just me and the struggle i face to deny my flesh and actively pursue God.