control.

Change. Control. Loss. New perspective. Unexpected. Trust. Love. Life. Challenge. Joy. Hope.

Wow. I can honestly say if you would have asked me May 18th 2008 what the next two years of my life would bring I would never expect
This.
This is me
This is where I am
Ha who am I kidding even if you asked me 6 months ago I could have never expected to be found here.

Control.
It’s a funny thing what happens when you lose it all.
And I could never express what a hard lesson that has been for me to learn
I’m not good at it

I plan. I set boundaries and guidelines for just how I think everything should go. I always know how to deal with a situation when the unexpected comes up. Plan B. Order. I some how always find calm amidst chaos.

But what has happened in my life these past couple months was something I could have never planned for.

And for the first time in my life I couldn’t control it. I had no answers.

For a person like me who obsessively plans out every detail and prepares for anything challenge. A perfectionist of sorts.

Not knowing doesn’t work for me.

But yet that’s where I was…still am.

When I came home from hardin-simmons this semester I was never expecting for things to be as hard as they are.

When plans changed, when the things I set so much time planning on and hoping for fell apart and I was torn back to a place I never thought I’d come. I didn’t like it.
My first attempt was to gain back control-if I could figure our where to go to school in the fall, then I would be able to get back control. I would know how to schedule the rest of my classes, where to live, meet new friends and all that. Life would be good again. Well that turned out to be harder that it seemed and when it came down to it even once I decided to head to Laramie in the fall I still had a need for control.
I wanted to know exactly what was going on.
And yet I was still struggling so much with the doubts of why what I had before didn’t work.
So I kept trying diet, exercise, school, jobs…I had to have something to fulfill my time so I had a schedule and order again.

No matter what it failed.
Several times this semester I have literally been brought to a place of emptiness. Having nothing of any value left to give.
Self defeated and no idea where I was going, why it had all changed so much and where go from here.
Most of all I felt dissatisfied with myself. I wasn’t who I wanted to be and I knew it.
But where do I go
To say the least I felt lost.
Out of control.
And I didn’t get it.
But I knew I didn’t want to be here either.

It all came crashing down on me for the first time a couple weeks ago. At women of faith one of the speakers talked about trust.
And for the first time in several months I realized I had none.
I was so busy trying to control and figure out my own life and make sense of what my plans are that I lost all trust.
Not only did I not trust anyone much less the one who created me and knows the depths of my inmost being.
But I forgot whose I was.
I lost all sight of the fact that God had a plan.
In the midst of chaos, fighting. Tears and trying to find my own way. God’s plan never changed.
Not only does God have a plan for me
He loves me.
Perfectly.
Just the mess I am, not matter how many mistakes I make, or how messed up life felt that is one undeniable thing he loves.
He was, he is, he is to come.
Nothing, nothing in world can surpass or come close to comparing to the peace I had when I realized that.
In the weeks past since then I’ve learned two very important things.
Trust.
Simply because God is who He says He is, He has a plan and is in control. I can trust Him. He is faithful. He will not leave nor forsake me. And he thinks I’m beautiful.
It’s okay to not have control.
Life’s messy, it doesn’t always make sense or turn out how I want it to but that doesn’t take away the value in each day.
I look at people it circumstances so much worse than mine and realize I’m blessed.
I still don’t have it all figured out, there is still uncertainty but God is faithful and worthy to be trusted.

hurricane.

yesterday i went running. running has always been a hobby of mine and something i have come to really enjoy even crave at times lately.
well yesterday afterenoon i had one of these times and so i decided despite how cold it was i would go out running and just see how far i could go then come home. turns out there's a perfect trail which is 2 miles in and 2 miles out. It went great the first 2 miles and it felt so good to just be running again, outside breathing the fresh air in my lungs unlike the stuffy environment on the treadmill inside. My head was running with thoughts of what i would do afterwards and how great it felt to be outside, how much of a blessing it was.
I did great until about i had about 1.6 miles left and then i got one of the worst stomach cramps ever. I could hardly keep moving, not sure what was happening i tried to just walk and ease the pain away. Yet it keep getting stronger, so i pulled off the trail and bent down, praying for God to show me something here because i really didn't know what was going on. After my whole 2 minute pause i tried to get up and walk, it wasn't much further back to the car and then i could just get home where mom could take care of me.
Yet it was actually quite funny to see God's humor in all this as right after i stood back up to keep walking there was a bench not 10 feet away.
i stopped short.
if only i had walked 3 maybe 4 steps more i would have made it, to a place that was designated rest for me.
and as soon as i realized how foolish i was i retreated to that bench and found my self awe struck sitting there. how stupid it was.
how easy.
how much pride i had in myslef to not see how easy how perfect how simply the plan of God was laid out right before my eyes.
yet i couldn't reach it.
this spoke to my heart in a million ways.
because not only was it something i did on my run.
it is something i do everyday.
stop short of what God is calling me to.
three steps further i was almost there.
but i'm too weak, i don't want to go that far.
ridiculous.
Francis Chan has a chapter in his book Crazy Love where he talks about lukewarm christians and i can't help but be reminded of the image i see reflected of myself when i look in the mirror now.
"Luke warm people will serve God and others but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give"
sound like the person i was just describing, who stopped three steps short of the peace and rest God offered her?
It utterly makes me sick that i have become this person.
so obsessed with self, my time, my schedule, my life.
Allison, get over yourself.
Give up.
Stop selling yourself three steps short of who you ought to be and take a risk knowing in thes extra steps God will meet you there.
It is in those moments of discomfort, insecurity, worry, and not knowing that i would encounter God if only i would risk it.
comfort.
The song Hurricane by Jimmy Needham came on as i sat on that bench. and i couldn't help but think to myself, Jesus ruin me.
break my life, i am fragile only in the hand of He who made me.
Who knows me.
Renew my thoughts, my actions, my speech, my mind. train my hands, focus my eyes, tune my ears to you.

Hurricane Lyrics
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee


And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

hunger.

There are a couple things God has really been pressin in on me since our BSM leadership retreat this past weekend.
ever since this whole concept of love is something i just can't get a hold of.
the love God has for me.
impossible to escape.
covers me completely.
it overcame the grave.
it redeems
justifies
saves.

...the greatest of these is love

love covers a multitude of sins
out of love the Son of Man died
while i was still but a sinner
this is how we know what love is....
kind
patient
not rude, self-centered or boasting.
it does not envy, it keeps no record of wrongs.
it rejoices with truth.
protects, trust, hopes and perseveres.

This love that God so often spoke of and vehemently desired for us
never fails....

i'm reading a book called redeeming love right now and this one part is really stuck in my mind
"The morning sunlight was so bright it hurt her eyes. blinding her more than the darkness ever had..."that's what I’m offering you"...his breath was warm against her skin. "i want to fill it with light" he put his arms around her and held her back against him.. "give me a chance..."

That what God wants, a life filled with the love only he has to offer us.
and as our life’s are filled so fully to the point that we would come overflowing to the life’s of others.

Turn our hearts to you O God...teach me what is means to love you...loving others as you lead me to, out of the love i devote myself to in you.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised"
~Proverbs 31:30

Two Weeks Already?

it is hard to believe than in a couple of hours, when we wake up tomorrow morning our time in Austria will be over.
I can't believe all the things I can seen and all that God has done here especially through the team.
To say the least this past week was very challenging with the new group of kids. We had a lot of older kids who were "too cool" for camp and it was very hard to keep them entertained for long with any actvity. After the first day i think that the team was worn-down and i know we all were very unsure of how the rest of the week would go. But in the end i hope we can say it all went well and we were blessed with significant opportunities to share with these kids.
One thing that i never thought i would want to remember but now i am learning to see that God used it more than we can imagine...
On wednesday we take the kids on a camp-out and walk 3 miles with them to get there, this week on camp-out day it was nearly 100 degrees, humid and there were what seemed like a milions mesquitoes out.
After walking to the camp-out site, the kids even with bug spray looked like they were eaten alive, we were all drenched in sweat and none the less after dinner it starts to rain.
I'm pretty sure at this point we were all thinking ´what in the world are we doing here?`
We quickly rushed all the kids into a tee-pee and started a campfire, it was at this time when all we could think was i want to give up. God spoke big.
I know He really spoke to me and my team as we were crammed in, wet and tired that this is where you shine through.
This could be a horrible moment for the kids and everyone will complain about how much they hate it or as God told me this is what we are here for. To show them a difference, to put ourselves aside and let them see in us the Lord.
What could have been a nightmare turned into something beautiful as we all sat around the camp-fire singing, telling scary\funny stories and having an on the spot talent show.
Then the next day my team leader and i were in charge of telling the bible story of the prodigal son and as we did Ashlee was able to tell the kids her testimony and why we crazy americans would come all the way over here to Austria to teach them English, it was a huge blessing that i am very thankful for! :)
At the camp-fire on friday, we had a lot of parents....surprisingly the ones whos kids seemed to hate camp and always be bored tell us that the kids actally loved it and wanted to come back next year!
All in all, it's funny how something we see as a nightmare God can use as a miracle.
Thank you all so much for your support, please pray for safety as we all fly home tomorrow! :)

"Whatever happens conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ..."
Philippians 1:27a

Week 2

The end of week was very eventful, we had a fun last day for the kids with campfire and barbeque for them and their families. We had some of the sweetest kids at camp and it was none the less exciting.
Throughout the week i somehow gained the nickname "Bombay" which means ´the bomb´ in German from a group of 11-12 year old boys that i had played soccer with! :) haha!
Each day is something new and exciting here in Austria and I cannot believe how much I am learning and all that God is teaching me here. This has been a much different mission trip from those i have been on before but i know that i am growing alot from it.
God has really been taking care of a lot of stuff inside of me, that i didn't know was there and teaching me how to live my faith more relationally. At camp we share a bible story but it is very hard to teach the kids more than that because they take religion classes at school and so it is almost boring to them. They know the names and stories, and it is almost like a culture to them but many do not understand what it means to live for Christ daily.
I have am definitely what it means to live the gospel.
That is all for now, please pray as we start week two of camp in the morning for energy, meaningful conversation and boldness with these new kids! :)

"For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake" 2 Corinthians 4:5

Preach the gospel at all times, when necessary use words.

Day Camp Week 1

WOW. i cannot believe we are almost finished with one week of English day camp!
This first week here has been absolutely amazing, we have about 22 kids attending the camp and i have the youngest group of 5 7-9 year old's.
Although at first the language barrier proved hard and i wish i knew more German to communicate better with the children i have totally loved my time here.
Out of no where it seems i was swept off my feet from the middle of summer in America to be blessed by coming here.
I have fallen in love with these kids, and although the days are long i am so rewarded to do this.
We have done lots of fun activities with the kids who range in age from 7-12, 14 boys and 8 girls. I have never laughed more in my life than just this week!! :)
Last night we took the kids hiking and camping and while we were at the campsite which is in a national park here another girl on my team and i played hours of soccer with some of the boys.
At one point i was laughing so hard playing with them that i was crying and could not run because i could hardly breathe.
This may be challenging but it is one of the most rewarding things i have ever done.
I don't have much time, and there is no way to simply write down all that i have learned in the past week.
For now here are a few short testimonies of what God has been doing and taught me this week.
After camp one day a parent came to pick up thier child Markus and they were telling us how each night he comes home so excited to come back the next day. The important part though is that they said to us that there is a difference in him after camp, and while he is with us. They can tell that in is more than an English camp we are doing, but that God is doing something big here as well! :)
Vienna is trully known as one of the most beautiful cities in the world, this is in a large part due to the history behind some of their large anciet buildings. One night after camp we got the chance to go downtown and see a lot of what makes this city so popular. We spent hours sité-seeing this amazing building built hundreds of years ago.
Now while it was an awesome experience to see all this, and let me tell you these building were impressive...at a time where is was so easy to get distracted God had to remind me what i was here for.
That night as i was reading my bible, i looked at Habakkuk 3:6 where it says "He stood and shook the earth; he looked and made the nations tremble, the ancient mountians crumbled and the age-old hills collapsed, His ways are eternal"
It just reminded me that while all these attractions we saw were quite amazing, even they will pass away, God is what i'm here for and He is Eternal, He will never pass away.

Pray please for the last day of camp this week as it will be the last time we get to share with this group of kids before we get a new group next week! :)

Cheers!

We're Here!!!

Hey everyone!!
Just a quick note to say that we got to Austria!! We got here and met our host-homes for the next couple weeks, ate dinner and now have some free time before bed. Everything has gone really well so far, we learned today that the church we are working with has only fifty members. Although small, i am looking forward to learning what God is doing through them here.
Also we learned that most of the children we will work with have started to learn English in school although we will have some who may not know it at all!
Vienna is a very large, busy city and the people we have meet so far have been wonderful!
Please continue to pray for children that come to the camp, and for meaningful conversations with them.

one word of encouragement God gave me as i was coming here, praying He would not only prepare myself but my team and the children as well.

Isaiah 30: 21 "Whether zou turn to the right or to the left your ears will hear a voice behind you saying This is the way walk in it".

I know God has so much in store for the next couple weeks and i am blessed and excited to be a part of it!

I'll write more soon as we start the day camp. :)

Happy 4th of July!