This Christmas

To say my head is full of thoughts right now would be to say the least.
The past week in itself has been pretty trying and i'm just jumbled thinking about it.
This Christmas has definitely been unusual. Almost every year for the past 10 years or so we have stuck to our plan of going to see mom's family over the holidays.
Well due to circumstances and issues we really couldn't do anything about we ended up not doing the big family thing which is frustrating mainly because i wish the reasons we didn't go were different.
So we came to spend time with my sister and her boyfriend.
All was fine and good until as we were leaving to go to Christmas eve service at church and the dog got out. Well this dog is not a little toy size dog-nope she's a full grown runnner. So this whole chase meant after running extremely late and emotions flaring...we missed church.
At this point i was exhausted and all i could say was "God, sorry for ruining your son's birthday..."
All and all we ended up having nice family dinner and got lots of sleep, then woke up early Christmas morning for presents and breakfast.
After the hustle and bustle some headed off the work while mom and i were left with the afternoon to ourselves. We ended up going to see Little Fockers, and spent the rest of the evening with dinner and more tv.
All this time i've been uncomfortable. I guess that's a good enough way to put it. Not so say in the least Christmas this year has been miserable, considering the big picture i've been blessed out of my head.
But all the changes from our typical holiday this year have really got me thinking.
Usually at our "traditional" Christmas we spend time at church, enjoying family, all joined together trully embracing the meaning of the season.
And i guess that's why this year is so different for me, why i'm so annoyed. I almost feel as if we took the Christ out of Christmas. And that bugs the hell out of me.
Not to say Christmas is the only time of year to celebrate Christ birth, or any of that.
But really maybe this feeling is more that just a holiday.
Maybe this is about more than why Christmas this year is so different.
Honestly i feel as if it comes down to the way i(we as Americans) live our lifes on a daily basis.
Focused on me.
My wants, my needs, my schedule, my time.
And there's only enough time for anyone else when I'm all taken care of.
sick. gross.disgusting.
That's how i feel right now.
Honestly disturbed at how we in America, a country so "based" on faith live our lives so far from the one who died to safe us.
i hate it.
How can i treat the one i claim as Lord and Savior over my life with such apathy.
As if yeah i'll call on you when i need you god.
THAT'S NOT THE GOD I KNOW.
I serve a God who knows me so intimately, that He had sewn me together in my mothers womb even before i was born.
Who knows my every thought, motive, and desire.
I have a high King who watches over me so closely He knows my every move. He hears my every prayer.
Who is not unable to sympathize with my weakness, but instead came to know the worst pain and shame any man has ever known.
I serve a God who sent His son to come die on a cross (yeah that jewelery we all wear as "bling") now, My God sent His son to that as a place of turture.
Not only that i may live, but that i could be called a child of the Most High.
Who in himself had every right to be called God, yet did not cling to His rights, but came instead to serve and give His life as a ransom for me.
That's why this Christmas has left me feeling sick.
Becuase i treat the blood of Christ with such contempt. I live my life as the commander of my destiny, not realizing or acknowledging the one who offers me real. true. ever-lasting life.
Several times in the past week dealing with this discomfort I've really felt God asking me in my pride "Allison, why should i give you more when you are not even satisfied with what you have"
In my life i so often find myself driven by a need for more. More food, money, clothes, friends, movies, tv....whatever it is i constantly battle this selfish desire for more.
To focus on myself.
Maybe that's why things this year have been so convicting.
In a world and life so based on me.
There is a King who entered this world as helpless babe, who's life enda with the blood that brings me life.
So in a world that screams MORE
How do i find contentment in My King and ALL He's already given me.
I don't know maybe that's just me and the struggle i face to deny my flesh and actively pursue God.

Home.

It’s the place where I can be silly. Not wash my hair, bum around in sweats all day and not care what I look like. It’s where I get out of the shower and 10 minutes later I’m at the store buying something to eat. I can sing at the top of my lungs after getting out of the shower and mom doesn’t notice. I can blare music and jam out in my car and not care who sees. I go all day without showering, go to the store with mom, no make-up baseball hat and dance in the aisles without caring who sees me. I take Sunday morning drives up the mountains just to see and experience all the God has made. It’s the one place I know I can always get away to when I’m having a rough day. It’s the buildings we climbed knowing if we get caught trouble was waiting at home. It’s the cliffs we jumped, the mountains we climbed, and the stars we laid out under for hours just to stare at. The late night lake swims, bonfires, and ice skating. Hot tubs and snow, McDonalds and puppy chow. The old lady at church who will always remember my name, but I’ll be lucky to ever recognize her. Late night talks on the lawn, making life decisions when at 16 years old that I’m yet to live up to. Winter formals, crazy conversations, the think tank old men’s coffee group at the local Hardee’s. It’s place where someone will always know my name or someone I’m related to. A burger I’ll never forget and sandwiches I’ll always remember. Late night movies, early morning runs, sneaking in/ sneaking out, gnomes, school, jobs, and paystubs. Loss, love, worry, so many lost wishes, what if’s and where are they now’s.
So many things that once shaped and defined my life. Who I was, who I wanted to be, even the things I wanted my life to become.
Its funny to be home now and reflect on what this town has become to me now that I’m older, that I’ve moved on, seen others places and made what are now huge life decisions.
It’s funny that I can come back to this sleepy old town and everything feels the same, same stories but new people. There are so many things here I know I’ve taken for granted and so many things I know I’d love to never forget.
I don’t know though as much as this town means and all. I realize how much I don’t relate to life here anymore.
I know this is a place I can always call home- always come back to.
But to know it doesn’t hold me anymore.
Once it worked, and I know growing up here shaped me for good.
But I’ve realized I have so much more on my plate than this town can offer. I know and believe there are great things in store for my future and I absolutely cannot wait to experience them. And take this feeling of home with me as I find out what “the rest of my life” means.

Faithful.

This past week has been a total and complete unexpected answer to prayer.

I went on my road trip expecting nothing just excited to get away from town for a while and finally be able to see awesome people I haven't forever.It didn't really hit me until half the trip was gone that something else was going on and I got to see what God was really doing here on this trip.

And now i come to see and realize that the only thing I am certain of and can always cling to is this...

God is faithful.

He will accomplish what He promises.

Blessed are those who wait on Him.

The past several months for me have been a real struggle...definitely was not one of the easiest times of my life. I have doubted, hated, and cried more than any time in my life before.I saw a side of myself I had never seen before, I went through so much change and fought so hard.

After I transferred home at the beginning of last semester I had the hardest time trying to figure out what in the world God was trying to do and because I didn't understand I made any attempt I could to fix it. I had no control and no idea where to go when i lost it all. Several times this past semester I was brought to a place of emptiness. Having nothing of any value left to give. Self defeated and no idea where I was going, why it had all changed so much and where go from here.To say the least I felt lost. Out of control and I didn't get it, but I knew I didn't want to be here either.

I have never in my life struggled so much with what I thought was going on and never been so broken down when I looked myself in the mirror and honestly from the very depths of my being said I don't get it. I don't want this anymore. It was from the depths of brokenness and with absolutely nothing left to give, nothing but tears and a cry out for my savior that all I could do was say save me.


I need you.

Rescue me


And it was in the midst of being so utterly broken that God answered.

It all came crashing down on me for the first time at a women of faith conference when one of the speakers talked about trust. And for the first time in several months I realized I had none. I was so busy trying to control and figure out my own life and make sense of what my plans are that I lost all trust. As if to say I could figure it out my own.

At that conference God just whispered quietly "be still my child and know that I am Holy and working on your behalf"

I have come to know the true meaning of what people mean when they say you never know God is all you need until He is all you have.

In the midst of my desperate need He saw my struggle and He did the one thing I needed...He loved and accepted me.

I had forgotten whose I was. I lost all sight of the fact that God had a plan. In the midst of chaos and fighting.

Tears and trying to find my own way.

God's plan never changed. He loves me Perfectly. Just the mess I am, not matter how many mistakes I make, or how messed up life felt that is one undeniable thing...

He loves.

He was, He is, He is to come. Nothing, nothing in world can surpass or come close to comparing to the peace I had when I realized that. I have learned two very important things.

Trust.

Simply because God is who He says He is, He has a plan and is in control. I can trust Him. He is faithful. He will not leave nor forsake me. And he thinks I'm beautiful.

And that it's okay to not have control. Life's messy, it doesn't always make sense or turn out how I want it to but that doesn't take away the value in each day. I still don't have it all figured out, there is still uncertainty but God is faithful and worthy to be trusted.



And this past week is where it all started to make sense for me. That no matter how much the past couple months hurt or how many times I cried out because I just didn't know what was going on.

God's will is perfect.

Through it all, the pain, hurt, confusion God's plan was perfect.

And even though I doubted a thousand times over HE is faithful and more than worthy to be trusted.

Going back to Texas this week confirmed for me that even though at the time I didn't or couldn't understand if it was right....moving back was right and where I am now is the exact place He has for me.

I am amazed at the consistency of who God is and love the fact that HE is. He has a plan. And oh how blessed I am when I wait on Him

control.

Change. Control. Loss. New perspective. Unexpected. Trust. Love. Life. Challenge. Joy. Hope.

Wow. I can honestly say if you would have asked me May 18th 2008 what the next two years of my life would bring I would never expect
This.
This is me
This is where I am
Ha who am I kidding even if you asked me 6 months ago I could have never expected to be found here.

Control.
It’s a funny thing what happens when you lose it all.
And I could never express what a hard lesson that has been for me to learn
I’m not good at it

I plan. I set boundaries and guidelines for just how I think everything should go. I always know how to deal with a situation when the unexpected comes up. Plan B. Order. I some how always find calm amidst chaos.

But what has happened in my life these past couple months was something I could have never planned for.

And for the first time in my life I couldn’t control it. I had no answers.

For a person like me who obsessively plans out every detail and prepares for anything challenge. A perfectionist of sorts.

Not knowing doesn’t work for me.

But yet that’s where I was…still am.

When I came home from hardin-simmons this semester I was never expecting for things to be as hard as they are.

When plans changed, when the things I set so much time planning on and hoping for fell apart and I was torn back to a place I never thought I’d come. I didn’t like it.
My first attempt was to gain back control-if I could figure our where to go to school in the fall, then I would be able to get back control. I would know how to schedule the rest of my classes, where to live, meet new friends and all that. Life would be good again. Well that turned out to be harder that it seemed and when it came down to it even once I decided to head to Laramie in the fall I still had a need for control.
I wanted to know exactly what was going on.
And yet I was still struggling so much with the doubts of why what I had before didn’t work.
So I kept trying diet, exercise, school, jobs…I had to have something to fulfill my time so I had a schedule and order again.

No matter what it failed.
Several times this semester I have literally been brought to a place of emptiness. Having nothing of any value left to give.
Self defeated and no idea where I was going, why it had all changed so much and where go from here.
Most of all I felt dissatisfied with myself. I wasn’t who I wanted to be and I knew it.
But where do I go
To say the least I felt lost.
Out of control.
And I didn’t get it.
But I knew I didn’t want to be here either.

It all came crashing down on me for the first time a couple weeks ago. At women of faith one of the speakers talked about trust.
And for the first time in several months I realized I had none.
I was so busy trying to control and figure out my own life and make sense of what my plans are that I lost all trust.
Not only did I not trust anyone much less the one who created me and knows the depths of my inmost being.
But I forgot whose I was.
I lost all sight of the fact that God had a plan.
In the midst of chaos, fighting. Tears and trying to find my own way. God’s plan never changed.
Not only does God have a plan for me
He loves me.
Perfectly.
Just the mess I am, not matter how many mistakes I make, or how messed up life felt that is one undeniable thing he loves.
He was, he is, he is to come.
Nothing, nothing in world can surpass or come close to comparing to the peace I had when I realized that.
In the weeks past since then I’ve learned two very important things.
Trust.
Simply because God is who He says He is, He has a plan and is in control. I can trust Him. He is faithful. He will not leave nor forsake me. And he thinks I’m beautiful.
It’s okay to not have control.
Life’s messy, it doesn’t always make sense or turn out how I want it to but that doesn’t take away the value in each day.
I look at people it circumstances so much worse than mine and realize I’m blessed.
I still don’t have it all figured out, there is still uncertainty but God is faithful and worthy to be trusted.

hurricane.

yesterday i went running. running has always been a hobby of mine and something i have come to really enjoy even crave at times lately.
well yesterday afterenoon i had one of these times and so i decided despite how cold it was i would go out running and just see how far i could go then come home. turns out there's a perfect trail which is 2 miles in and 2 miles out. It went great the first 2 miles and it felt so good to just be running again, outside breathing the fresh air in my lungs unlike the stuffy environment on the treadmill inside. My head was running with thoughts of what i would do afterwards and how great it felt to be outside, how much of a blessing it was.
I did great until about i had about 1.6 miles left and then i got one of the worst stomach cramps ever. I could hardly keep moving, not sure what was happening i tried to just walk and ease the pain away. Yet it keep getting stronger, so i pulled off the trail and bent down, praying for God to show me something here because i really didn't know what was going on. After my whole 2 minute pause i tried to get up and walk, it wasn't much further back to the car and then i could just get home where mom could take care of me.
Yet it was actually quite funny to see God's humor in all this as right after i stood back up to keep walking there was a bench not 10 feet away.
i stopped short.
if only i had walked 3 maybe 4 steps more i would have made it, to a place that was designated rest for me.
and as soon as i realized how foolish i was i retreated to that bench and found my self awe struck sitting there. how stupid it was.
how easy.
how much pride i had in myslef to not see how easy how perfect how simply the plan of God was laid out right before my eyes.
yet i couldn't reach it.
this spoke to my heart in a million ways.
because not only was it something i did on my run.
it is something i do everyday.
stop short of what God is calling me to.
three steps further i was almost there.
but i'm too weak, i don't want to go that far.
ridiculous.
Francis Chan has a chapter in his book Crazy Love where he talks about lukewarm christians and i can't help but be reminded of the image i see reflected of myself when i look in the mirror now.
"Luke warm people will serve God and others but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give"
sound like the person i was just describing, who stopped three steps short of the peace and rest God offered her?
It utterly makes me sick that i have become this person.
so obsessed with self, my time, my schedule, my life.
Allison, get over yourself.
Give up.
Stop selling yourself three steps short of who you ought to be and take a risk knowing in thes extra steps God will meet you there.
It is in those moments of discomfort, insecurity, worry, and not knowing that i would encounter God if only i would risk it.
comfort.
The song Hurricane by Jimmy Needham came on as i sat on that bench. and i couldn't help but think to myself, Jesus ruin me.
break my life, i am fragile only in the hand of He who made me.
Who knows me.
Renew my thoughts, my actions, my speech, my mind. train my hands, focus my eyes, tune my ears to you.

Hurricane Lyrics
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee


And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord